A God Who Cares
by Kat Lee formerly Pirate Turner
Summary: Giles believes there must be a God who cares. Giles/Buffy Het! Christian Fic!


Title: "A God Who Cares"  
Author: Kat Lee  
Rating: PG-13/T  
Summary: Giles believes there must be a God who cares.  
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters, names, codenames, places, items, fandoms, titles, and etc. are always © & TM their respective owners, not the author, and are used without permission. Any and all original characters and everything else is © & TM the author and may not be reproduced in any way without the author's express, written permission. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.

He bows his head every night, never once forgetting the danger to which his dearest friend is about to open herself. She's come back from the dead twice now for him, but he still can't help feeling nervous when she goes out for patrol. He remembers sending her so often when she was younger and didn't want to go, but now a part of him almost wants to ask her to stay and let some one else do the slaying.

He knows that that desire is juvenile and ridiculous. He knows they have both been called for their duties and must fulfill them. He knows that, no matter how many potentials are called by Willow's spell, Buffy is still the first Slayer and, thereby, must face the greatest dangers. He knows that, though she ran from her duty when she was younger, she now would have it no other way.

He knows it's selfish of him to want to protect her as desperately as he does. It was selfish of them to call her back from beyond the grave and more selfish still to try to keep her from her destiny. His relationship with her, he thinks, looking back, has almost always been affected by some degree of selfishness.

First, he wanted to enforce her duty upon her as his had been done to him. In those times, he rarely thought about just how much danger into which he was placing her. Her calling, after all, was that of the Slayer. It was her place to fight the Vampires so that others could live, her place to die to save innocents if and when it came to that, and yet when it had, he had been ready to do anything he could to keep her alive.

Even that had been selfish. He hadn't wanted to face the inevitable guilt that would have come over him had he sent her to an early grave, but it had been more than that, too, he reflects as Buffy leans up on her tip toes and kisses him. It had been so much more. He hadn't wanted to face life without her in it, and he still doesn't. He never will.

He grips a little too hard as they kiss good night. He wants to go with her, but he has others to train now. He can not defer their training entirely to Willow and Xander, no matter how much he would like to. He was there for her, and she's already told him that she wants him to be here now for the young Slayers. They need the best Watcher they can get, she tells him, and the best training; he is the first and provides the second, she thinks, with ease.

But what she doesn't know, what he won't tell her, is that he wants to do just the opposite. He wants to take her away from this world, to steal her away from her calling, away from both their duties, and run. He doesn't want to lose her again; his heart can barely stand the thought of her dying a third time.

Yet he should not have allowed Willow to bring her back. He should have let her stay there. They all should have let her stay in Heaven, in rest, in peace, in _safety_, but they were greedy. They wanted her. They wanted her friendship, her light shining in the dark world that had threatened to overcome them all in her absence. They could not let go. They could not release her, regardless of how much good it did her to be where she had been and how justly she had deserved to rest.

He wants to tell her he's sorry still every time her big, blue eyes look up through his spectacles and into his soul. He wants to grovel at her feet, to beg her forgiveness, and yet, she's already given it to him. Like the young woman always thinking of others before herself whom she has become, Buffy gave him the forgiveness he could not verbally request long ago. She forgave him, but Rupert knows he'll never forgive himself.

He'll never forgive himself for calling her back to this life where she has to lay her life on the line every night of their lives. He'll never forgive himself for placing her in as much danger as he still constantly does, and he most certainly will not forgive himself for letting her die not once but twice. He knows he's a wicked man.

A part of him feels dirty every time she caresses him, and yet, he can not stop. He can not stop putting her into danger or leaning upon her for all his earthly needs. He can not stop wanting her, aching, every time they part, to feel her caress, to taste her sweet lips, or to just see her again. He can not stop the pride from swelling within him when she looks at him so trustworthy, and yet he also can not help but to wonder how she can still trust him after all he has done and everything he has allowed to happen to her.

It's his fault she died. It's his fault that she was brought back, that she was stolen away from the Heaven which she deserves. It's his fault that she's suffered so many heartaches, endured so much punishment, and watched so many innocents die. It's his fault that her life is not better than it is.

She tried to tell him all those years ago in the school library. She tried to tell him that she was done with slaying, that she did not care if Vampires ruled the world or who they killed. She tried to turn her back on her job, and Heaven help him, he should have let her. He should have packed up all of his books and returned to England or gone somewhere at least, somewhere far away from her so that she could live her own life, have her own happiness, and not have to endure so much heartache.

Not have to endure him and the punishments he enlists upon her. "Giles?" He blinks, realizing at last that she's been talking all this time that he's been lost in his thoughts of self condemnation and guilt. "Stop," Buffy says sternly, and he looks at her, really looks at her for the first time that night. She wraps her arms around him, holds close to him, and gazes up pass his glasses into his soul as she alone possesses the uncanny ability to do with ease. "Stop beating yourself up."

"I . . . "

He starts to speak in his defense, but she shakes her head. "I know what you're thinking. You think it every night. You need to get some new thoughts, really. Think about me, in the morning, in the shower, just the two of us, hot and sweaty and getting clean and have fun." She grins as he swallows hard, the image her words have painted in both their minds stealing away his breath along with what pride he'd had left.

She leans up on her tip toes and hugs him more tightly. "You're not forcing anything on me, Giles. This is the life I want. You're the man I want." She kisses him long and deep before slowly releasing him and turning away.

"Bu-Buffy . . . "

She turns back with a bold grin as he stammers her name. "It's all right, Giles. I'll be back before sunrise; I just gotta go stake those Vamps." She rolls her eyes just like she used to do at him all those years ago. "Really, you'd think they'd get smarter by now and stop trying to gain force where we Slayers are." Her gaze softens as her eyes meet his again. "I'll be fine, really," she persists. "You're barely have time to miss me."

Then she's gone, running off into the night to meet with Faith, Angel, and Spike and leaving Giles' mouth hanging still partially open in a plea which he will not voice. It's the same plea that she didn't want to hear, with which she did not want to argue and so left before she could hear it. They know what she must do. It's the same time she had to do all those years ago, but yet instead of getting easier, watching her go running off into known danger only gets harder with each passing night.

Giles touches the cross around his neck, a cross she once wore, and then bows his head just as he did all those years ago. He speaks the same prayer he always has since first sending her into danger, "Dear God, help us. Help us all. Help her. Bring her back alive."

He used to wonder why he bothered, but now he knows. Somehow, it seems to work. Somehow, even though he had stopped long ago believing in a God who really cared, God does seem to care, at least for Buffy. He keeps her alive, and every time she dies, He lets them bring her back. He lets her live again for He knows the world needs her. They need her.

Most of all, Giles needs her, and along with his prayer for her safety, he says another prayer, a prayer of thanks for lack of condemnation and for second chances that keep coming. He loves Buffy, truly loves her far beyond any love he's ever felt for any one before, and she does seem to love him, too. That love, though he still fears it wrong at times, continues to bless them, and she continues to come home every morning to him.

He doesn't know if it's wrong or right. He fears he never will, but when she kisses him like she did scant minutes before, Giles finds still that, no matter how hard he tries to, he no longer cares. He loves her, she loves him, and as long as God keeps her returning to him, he'll keep believing in Him, in a God that does care for His people and wants them to be happy, in a God who still loves despite all the wrongs they've committed, in a God who does love him, who _must_ love him, because He still gives him his Buffy every day.

**The End**


End file.
